Simple Tricks and Nonsense

The deeply unfortunate side effect of spending even 30 minutes investigating the impending Joe Satriani/Coldplay plagiarism suit is that now that damned song is lodged in my brain.

Side effect number 2: I have this strange impulse to buy an iPod.

Thank you for delivering your lovely rendition at today's events. May I be so bold as to recommend an alternate selection?

...something I'm pretty sure I (mis)overheard at a mexican chain restaurant after a lovely night at the theater with aphorisic  and bacall . Which strikes me as pretty damned hilarious.

Somehow I doubt this document will make it into the George W. Bush Presidential Library.

Lady Loo, Missy Thing and I went down to our polling place as soon as we woke up, and already there was probably 100 people in line. It was like people were waiting for an iPhone.

Which, I guess, is maybe not so far off the mark.

Also, the ballot initiative decriminalizing possession of less than an ounce of marijuana? I'm wondering if y'all writing the initiative know how much an ounce of weed is. Because, it's kind of a lot. I'm just saying.

(ganked from Crooks and Liars, originally from PBS's NOW)

I am shocked that I still have the capacity to be shocked.

And, strangely, it's not the views she has. It's the way she presents them. The whites-of-her-eyes crazy look she gets. The smug, thinly-veiled belligerence borne of contempt for having to explain herself to some journalist. The fanaticism nurtured by fear that engenders violence.

I've known people like this, when I lived in the South. I guess I've just been away long enough to have forgotten it. Thanks, public television!

11:38 PM
It's shocking how little they altered the actual transcript of the Couric/Palin interview in order to make it a farce. There must be a special German word for the odd combination of laughter and abject terror for your fragile country.

I've long held that the number 1 stance of my campaign platform was Free Refills. It is, I believe, an American Value so central to our core identity as to deserve its own amendment.

Today I launch my 2nd campaign issue: When elected, I will work tirelessly to change our National Anthem to "Hot For Teacher". Happy Birthday, America.

This is possibly the least appropriate disc cover art I've ever seen.

For that alone I think it's maybe brilliant.

Beth and I got a puppy. We'll be bringing her to the house in a week and a half. YOU CANNOT SAY NO TO THAT FACE.

Here's a real stumper:

As I was going to St. Ives

I met a man with seven wives

And every wife had seven sacks

And every sack had seven cats

And every cat had seven kits

Kits, cats, sacks, wives

How many lost their hard drive in a catastrophic failure with no backup?

Give up? Here's a hint: the answer is simpler than you might think.

I think maybe I need to hand in my nerd card.

I sure wanted to be excited by the new Indiana Jones teaser fresh on the interpipes today. But, but... meh.

Is it just me? All of the new footage looks like it was shot on a soundstage. And of course it was. But does it really have to look like it? It just looks... sterile. Defanged.

One of the things I loved about the first film was that it really felt true to its pulp roots, like there was actually dirt under Harrison Ford's fingernails. This one feels much more like Last Crusade, which I'm going to argue was the Return of the Jedi of the franchise. There's no sense of danger, there's no sense of place. It reminds me of an anecdote I heard, about George Lucas visiting the set of Gangs of New York. Shot "on location" in an elaborate set in Italy, Lucas reportedly tells Scorcese that he didn't have to spend so much on making physical locations, that you could save money shooting on a digital backlot. To which Scorcese could of course only shake his head.

Also, if I have to hear a bunch of Wild Hogs-style jokes about how Indy is now an old man, and how his sciatica is keeping him from swinging the old bullwhip around, I'm going to punch someone down at the Presidio.

Side Note: I think Temple of Doom is underappreciated, and actually better than the third film. Tell me I'm wrong.

Listen, I understand that your stock-in-trade is colorful hyperbole. I get that you feel most interesting when you get to wax eloquent.

But I beg you, please stop deriding the Friedberg-Seltzer films in such elaborate diatribes.

Not that I would dare to defend Meet the Spartans, Scary Movie IV, or anything they've done. The point is that they're indefensible. But that's self-evident, isn't it? The whole reason you all dropped out of NYU was to be obnoxious about Cassavetes, right? But of course, you can't resist. The 3% Rotten Tomatos score is evidence to that.

There are two problems. The first is that it's unbecoming, and showy in a Malmsteen-y way. But the second one is potentially more dangerous: if you continue to rhetorically condemn these films en masse, you run the risk of triggering the Contrarian Hipster Response. And the last thing I want is some boho Somervillain regaling me on the criminally underappreciated genius in the "so bad it's good" vein of Date Movie.

So Friday night. Stew, drinks, lovely chat, and Rock Band-flavored revelry. Apologies to anyone if I hogged the drum kit. Sometimes a brother obsesses.

At some point in the evening, in conversation ms_entropy posits that Die Hard is the finest American Action Film Ever Made. This may be a failure of imagination on my part, but I was unable to rebut. I am, in fact, kind of inclined to agree.

What do you think, intarwebz? What am I forgetting?

There is only ONE N in the word "pundits".

BONUS FAT:
There is no such thing as "intensive purposes".

Why was I not alerted to this urgent , life-altering update?

This is old, but one of the most misguided, poorly-conceived bits of failed conservative reverse-engineering I've read.

I got to thinking about this as a result of Andrew O'Hehir's piece in Salon about the upcoming Joe Strummer documentary. Clearly, the Clash was always a firestorm of leftist politics, but I was particularly touched by the mention of Joe weeping to hear the US Army use "Rock the Casbah" during the first Gulf War.

At any rate, it brought me back to that liberal-baiting bit of douchebaggery at the National Review. REALLY? A song is conservative just because it mentions religious faith? SERIOUSLY? That's some thin fucking stew. The Intarnets don't need me to say that rock n' roll is entirely founded on anti-establishment revolution. YOUR WHOLE FUCKING PREMISE IS AN INHERENT CONTRADICTION, YOU SCREWHEAD.

We get rock and roll. You get the Charlie Daniels Band. Endy fookin' storay.

Dickbag.

This is a movie trailer.

00:12
Very well then.

00:30
Groovy. Do go on.

00:55
Oh hells yes.

01:07
OH WHAT THE FUCK.

Seriously, Bono, I know you're all about the mysticism and life-changing poetry of rock and roll, but fucking COME ON. THIS MOVIE IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

I think Beth said it best this morning when she saw the clip: "I'm sure it was his idea to sit in front of a blazing fire".

Dude needs a serious soap-bar beating, Private Pyle-style.